My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”