People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
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One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Those are good neighbors.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”