The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
You Might Also Like
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Good morning, Twitter x
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.