I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
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My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I’m confused about plants
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check