This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
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I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.