Life’s too short to have your shit together.
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Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My life in a nutshell