Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
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At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
just having fun
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken