Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
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Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*