Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
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a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
won’t smith
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
whatcha thinkin bout
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
wait.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!