Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
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A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.