WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
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Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
dream blunt rotation
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?