Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
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God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I can also cook 😂
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets