5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
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Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”