I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
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I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
That’s incredible! 👌
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Google Pay be like:
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*