STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
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Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…