I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
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Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions