papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
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If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
motivation
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar