Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
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Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Breaking news:
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Me when my alarm goes off
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.