I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
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[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Something Saturday.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine