My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
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[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
*offers Batman cough drops*
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.