911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
translated into Canadian
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes