My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
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Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them