LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
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sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.