[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
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– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.