I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
You Might Also Like
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie