Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
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Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
channeling her this year
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
This is painfully accurate 😅
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.