Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
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They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start