can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
You Might Also Like
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.