My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Is fake venison called venisn’t
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’