I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
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*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ