shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
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CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.