Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”