oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
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“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
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From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
need him
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Snapes on a plane.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.