Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
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Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..