Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
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I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL