1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
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I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
#ParentingFacts
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)