waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
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Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
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How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
#dnd #ttrpg
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
What an awful time to have common sense.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.