IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
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My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
All. The. Damn. Time.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.