Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
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I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Tell the colonel to bring it
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Choose your fighter
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay