*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
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me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
reminder
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.