Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
You Might Also Like
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.