Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
You Might Also Like
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My wife gives the best headache.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.