My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
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I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.