The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Breaking news:
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Smile they said.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30