Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
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I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.