I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
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We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.