My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
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i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend: