My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
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“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Baller is short for ballerina
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.