*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
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All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.