Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
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Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…